Is My Therapist Available For An All Night Appointment?

Article by Red Phil

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Whoa, boy, whoa! Am I living in a parallel universe or something when I read a web-site headline stating that Liverpool have received a HUGE end-of-season BONUS . . . because Mario Balotelli has decided he isn’t going to move? That follows similar headlines that implied that Kolo Toure staying and Andre Wisdom returning – from a physically demanding few months watching West Brom games from the subs bench – is akin to Anfield being chosen as the selected venue for the Second Coming! Some headline writers either have weird ideas of what constitutes GOOD news or they are bloody Evertonians with a twisted, almost morbid sense of humour!!!

Kolo Toure staying made me nauseas, Andre Wisdom returning didn’t raise my spirits by one iota, losing Depay to United caused me physical pain that can only be described as being like giving birth to a baby rhino, possibly seeing Spurs grab Ings from under our noses could send me deeper into my therapists couch or into a padded room but the fact that we are supposed to feel anything other than a need to grab the nearest vomit bag – the XXL variety – for Balotelli deciding to remain here is simply too much to cope with. My wife is, as I speak, removing any and all sharp implements and I shall be wearing the strait-jacket this evening until she thinks I can cope with this latest bout of shocking, atrocious news. As a United fan she is probably laughing like a drain on the inside . . .

When I wanted, even prayed for, the selling or sacking of Toure, Balotelli, Sakho, Allen, Lucas, Lambert, Borini and several others this is not how I wanted the Summer break to begin to unfold. No, I wanted OUT with the dross and the buying of four or five world-renowned star players and several other internationals. My optimism is currently draining as fast as a ruptured, leaking bath-tub with the plug out and a three foot-wide gash in the bottom of it.

What next? Making Sakho captain and promising to start the next campaign with Lambert and Balotelli up front as the solution to all of our needs? Will I wake up to hear that we’ve actually acted upon the rumour about Pirlo and Alves, who will no doubt be at John Lennon Airport later tomorrow to seal their transfers? This is a nightmare I’m having, isn’t it? I even read that we might be going for Bolton’s keeper . . . Adam Bogdan! Not De Gea, not Begovic, not Cech . . . Adam Bogdan!

If any of that ever happens, and the bad news is coming thick and fast so I wouldn’t discount it, I’ll be the poor sod throwing himself in front of the next Inter-City train from Liverpool Lime Street to anywhere it damn well wants to go! Who cares?

I’m currently spending my time enjoying the heroics of my beloved Lancashire CCC as they top the Second Division at cricket. Nice to think Liverpool FC may be doing similarly, in the Championship, in a couple of years if LFC don’t stop trying to annoy me at every turn, get out of the habit of trying to shop in the Pound Shop and looking to retain people who failed last year and for several years before that as well, in some cases.

I will hope to see Chelsea, United, Arsenal, City, Spurs, Madrid and Barcelona squirming because they haven’t had the inspiration, the footballing nous, to buy people like the ageing Toure and Balotelli, preferring to get mere world stars like Aguero, Hazard, Neymar, Suarez, Costa, Ericksen, Willian and Sanchez instead. How they must be seething, wracked with envy, on the inside . . .

RED PHIL

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