Newcastle United: JFK

Article by Martin Black

The President’s Brain Is Missing

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The strange case of Joseph F***ing Kinnear, Our Director of Football, or Director of F*** All, as he known by the fans amongst other things. A recent poll in The Chronicle published the readers’ answers to the question ‘How happy are you with Joe Kinnear?’ I thought to myself, about as happy as being kicked in the knackers for no apparent reason and then being told I deserved it. Actually, this seems to sum up Mike Ashley’s ownership perfectly for me. The poll, part of The Big Toon Survey made quite surprising reading, as only 40% voted Unhappy. The results are shown below in a pie chart, presumably for Ashley’s benefit;

How happy are you with Joe Kinnear?

Like me you are probably wondering which asylum the 8.6% who voted Content are living in? Or even more worrying is that the 0.4% who voted Very Happy maybe actually free and walking our streets?! Nearly 1200 answers were submitted meaning there are at least 4 of those very people, a disturbing thought! The only comforting alternative is that these 4 are mackems, fans of our bitter rivals and nearby neighbours taking the piss. Crawling from their primordial swamp, learning the rudiments of the internet in a scene resembling that of the opening sequence of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Conspiracy Theories

The sub heading of The Chronicle’s article was ‘We don’t know what Kinnear is doing at our Club?’ If even a neutral, dispassionate observer were to examine the details it really doesn’t add up. Why would a billionaire owner of a hugely successful business empire employ somebody who is quite obviously in equal measures; insane, incompetent and is likely to self-combust with a heart attack at any given moment as their Director of football, if not for an ulterior motive? Even Ashley’s much maligned side kick and then Managing Director; Derek Llambias had the principles to resign in the wake of Kinnear’s hideous appointment. So what was Ashley up to? Two theories gradually began to take shape as the shit hit the fans; either one of them could be correct and possibly be as close as we are to get to any form of understanding of the event. First was a simple one: The King tyrant, angry at his subjects’ rebellion and insults had decided in spite to punish us. And what better way to punish us than with Kinnear, as he would only pile more humiliations and ridicule on us from the outside world. Ashley has exhibited this kind of behaviour before, most notably after our relegation and then leading to his failed attempt to sell the club. The second is more devious, slightly, and basically is an attempt by Ashley to make Pardew’s position untenable, Pardew would then resign walking out on his long lucrative contract that Ashley now seems to regret handing him. So no compensation, or not as much, as Keegan did sue him after his resignation. As a welcome bonus Ashley has mad Joe waiting in the wings as an instant, cheap replacement, result!

So what does Joe Kinnear actually do apart from provide amusement for non Newcastle fans? He is supposedly responsible for recruiting new players but has drawn a blank so far as I write. His first action was to actually stop Douglas then of Twente from joining us, a towering centre half we’d been tracking for over a year. Now out of contract, available for free and keen to join, Joe squashes the deal as he doesn’t know enough about him. Well Graham Carr must’ve bloody well done, and since his recommendations have brought us the likes of Ben Arfa, Tiote and Cabaye that is all that should have mattered! To be fair to Joe he did show interest in signing one player when he was on a scouting mission in Birmingham. Impressed, Joe enquired about Shane Ferguson only to be told he was already a Newcastle player, out on loan. Great work done again, another transfer fee saved, the boss will be well happy, Joe thinks to himself as he whistles merrily on his way back home. Apparently Joe has been in Germany trying to broker a deal for Borussia Monchengladbach’s - Luuk De Jong. The thought of Kinnear’s negotiation skills doesn’t fill you with much confidence, in fact it makes you cringe to think what he’ll actually say. One word of advice Joe, don’t mention the war.

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